She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
