In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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