ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
