Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
