So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
