so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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