Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
