I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
