would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
