just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
