i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
