I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
