rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
