weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
