It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
