I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
