You can't special order awesome
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
