I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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