A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
