Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
