if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
