1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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