her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
