I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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