The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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