Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
