My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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