dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
