What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
