I wish I could teleport
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
