Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
