We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
