I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
