i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
