my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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