just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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