i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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