Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
