You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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