I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
