cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
i drank out of a bidet.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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