I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
