Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
