my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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