Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
