I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
