The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
