my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
When are your genitals available?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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