I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
