Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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