Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
