i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
