if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
