after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.