the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
