that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Barsexuality is the new black.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
